My New Owner Told Me to Write This

So that's what it took. I had to get a man to tell me to do it. Oh sure, when my friend Monica encourages me to journal I feel interested enough, sure. But she's a woman, she can't tell me what to do (she can very much and has very much told me what to do)!

I'm knot explaining absences or lack of things I said I'd write because the answers are obvious and boring and I have other things to say.

Anwyas, so here's the deal: I finally found an owner. It just happened and it probably happened maybe a little too fast, still pretty scared, but we both knew pretty quickly that I belonged to him and the question was never aboot desire or really even compatibility. There are technical things to resolve, sure, and other things like protocol, priorities, etc. I've always lived my life for other people but I've never before really lived it for, like... y'know... someone who wanted me. I'ma put a pin in that. That needs context. Meta context, second pin. The pointe I'm getting at here is that none of the stuff, like the kinky shit is all 100% settled, that's a done deal, we just gotta figure stuff out more and do a lil negotiating cuz we just met, but that's knot something I need to be worrying aboot. No, the reason I'm a little scared aboot things moving as fast as they have is simply the stuff I'm afraid of anyone. I don't know how much he'll put up with me, he hasn't seen me spiral, he hasn't seen me lash out, I don't know if there will be any red flags along the way, there might be a chance that he's some sort of crazy cereal killer or something, which would suck because I want some cereal too, why does he get the whole box? Oh, just because he's a man he's entitled to all the cereal? I got two words for that. Ha. Rumph.

But as it became increasingly obvious he already owns me, eventually he just... told me I had to call him Master now, and so it's very official even though we're still working out the kinks. I italicized that so you'd get the joke. Do you get it? Kinks. Like... y'know... cuz M/s? Awesome, you're so smart for getting that joke.

So and then so that's what had happened that time. Meta context first, he told me to start keeping a journal like this - which was the original (sort of) intent for this blog, to just write every day - which he wants to be a regular thing. Will it stick? I don't know. But so the idea here was always to make a journal with a "generic unknown public" as the targeted audience, so the writing is made that way, but with the understanding and conceit that more than most likely the only people who will ever really be reading this are people who already know me, so I don't have to censor or explain myself in any way and will just kind of assume I don't need to explain things like why I keep writing it "pointe" or that I don't have to explain every little detail of why Biollante is mankind's greatest work. At the same time, because I'm being directed to write this by my Master, he is the actual audience at the very least. But if I write it as a personalized letter to him, I wouldn't technically be obeying him because that's knot what he told me to do. So, the intended audience, in the sense of the way this is written, will stay the same, but if you are some rando who stumbled here because of another post I made or this came up in some M/s related search you did, then there you go, that's why this is written so strangely.

So, okay, I was initially thinking I could do this stream of consciousness and go through things as they happened, but like a lot of stuff happened and there are a lot of emotions and things to talk aboot. So I prolly won't be able to get to everything. Soooo... let's do a little impromptu outline. Like the intro paragraph in a grade school paper, or how Simon Strange actually talks normally in real life! I'm knot kidding! He really does that, it's kind of strange! Haha, get it? Like his name? Strange? Simon Strange? Anwyas, lemme work on that and get back to you. And we're back! So I was thinking maybe good stuff bad stuff, or order as it happened, or maybe a compliment sandwich, but instead I'm going with linked ideas so I can naturally flow from one thing into the next so it sounds as little like an outline as possible. So, I'm knot even going to give you the benefit of that grade school first paragraph where I tell you what I'm going to tell you in what order. You'll get what I give you when I choose to do so. And you'll like that, won't you? Because that's what you deserve. Now kneel and thank me for keeping you in the dark and knot allowing you to know what's coming. Good girl.

So the first thing is, he's basically my Maly. So what's that mean? I'm used to being the only extrovert in a room a shy subby wallflower girls. I'm used to leading conversations, keeping the energy in the room alive, being the fun, making things happen, and getting the ball rolling. Socially I'm a powerhouse, I have a 20 charisma and a high emotional IQ, and am really good at reading the room. As a hostess, specifically for kink sims, I am almost always on the offensive, and I take what I want. That's the joy of bdsm from that perspective, the selfish and sadistic pleasure of taking freedom away from someone and watching them squirm. And for me, there's also joy in the fact that when I'm in control, I don't have to settle anymore. I don't have to lay there passively and wait for some incompetent idiot to figure out that + adds and - removes. I can take it, anything I want, anything that I'm knot getting as a sub, I can finally get to enjoy myself in my own way. It's liberating in that way, and there's a level of satisfaction I get from spell of total seduction I cast on these poor girls who just completely fall apart at the seams as this total force of nature, this Godzilla of kink descends on them.

But as happy as it makes me to bring that much joy to these people, and to feel that level of freedom and be able to indulge myself like that, at the end of the day, I'm the one showing affection. Yes of course it's a two way street, without their consent and submission I have nothing, but there's a flow to it. I take what I want because I'm a 50/50 switch, but my fulfillment is to simply receive that gift. You don't need a dom, bondage as a kink is when a person is restrained or controlled, you don't need a second party for that, people can get accidentally stuck or trapped or even do self-bondage. Having a dom is a bonus, a luxury. The presence of one creates an experience between two people, an exchange of affection, it stops being circumstantial or masturbatory and turns into a relationship, a love language. Subbies can still be happy being trapped in those other situations, that can still be fun, I've wandered into traps before and been genuinely flustered because I do knot do stupid shit like walk into obvious traps on purpose, so if anything does genuinely trick and capture me, it's earned. But when you have someone do that to you, it's transforms from the disassociated feeling of "pressure on skin and/or sense of helplessness make me happy" to the act of one person taking a performative role and actively showing affection for you.

So yes, I am a pervert, I like the way cute girls sound with a ball strapped in their mouths, I like watching their trussed up bodies squirm helplessly, knowing I have them all to myself. I love that feeling, I'm 50/50 and I enjoy being on that side of things just as much as I want to be said cute girl with the ball strapped in my mouth. But there's no question in that moment that I am giving them something. I'm knot trying to say here that D/s scenes between people are inherently one sided, I think maybe this is more related to my personal fears or trauma or something like that, this might just be a me thing, I don't really know. But what I do know is that when I'm in control, I'm doing all the work, all of the responsibility for the safety of that girl rests with me. The second consent is withdrawn I have to be on it, I have to not squander what they gave me and keep them engaged and happy as much as I can. As much as being in control gives me that ability to get what I've been craving that doms won't give me, it's just as much if knot more (depending on the person) aboot how I can maximize their happiness. What's going to make this girl be out of her fucking mind with bliss? And she has no control, it falls to me and me alone to provide that. It's a lot of work, thoroughly rewarding work, but still work, and no matter how you slice it, it's the captive who is always ultimately in control, because without their consent, all you have left is a crime.

And it burns me out, but all my friends are switches at best, and even they lean heavily towards being subby. But of course it's like that because my social circle is all just a bunch of kinky transgirls. Sometimes Scotti has put together these elaborate plans for me that have totally rocked my world, and in the past I've called them "my Maly," because with enough "prep time" they can do amazing things. But Scotti is knot Superman, they're more like Batman, they can't really be that force for me. So when I say this guy, my new Master, is "my Maly," I mean that everything I just said? That way that I've steamrolled all those poor subby wallflowers and given them an experience they'll never forget? Being able to seduce someone as easily as I could tell you ramble on all day aboot how Ghidorah and Gigan are related? When I first met him, he assumed I was being delivered to him, like an object or toy. When he took control of the conversation away from me, and intuited everything I wanted, I started pacing nervously because I had never been in a situation like that before. He told me to stop moving, and I froze to the spot, then he told me to sit, and I did. When I started to speak, he talked over me, he mansplained and shut me down, teaching me that my voice was to be minimized. He completely conquered me just by doing all the simple little things I've always wanted, and I didn't even have to beg, or explain to him over and over again for months only for him to still get it wrong, or anything. He just immediately took the reigns and took control, and took what he wanted by force. And what he wanted was me. So, yeah, you could say he's "my Maly."

Quick aside, just to make a mini compliment sandwich here, I went from knowing immediately that I already belonged to him to being filled with doubt and disappointment rather quickly. He was reading through my picks and really latched onto the one aboot dolls. He's very into that, to the full degree I am too, and he made his intention to turn me into a completely immobile and silent mannequin to be displayed and dressed, which is hot, but then he kinda like... zeroed in on it. Like he wouldn't stop. Once he found out aboot it, the conversation changed, and it was no longer aboot me or the possibility of ownership, it become strictly aboot this one very specific theme, this one particular scene, forever. And that made me really nervous. If you know much aboot me, and chances are if you're reading this you probably do, then you know I like everything. It's the reason I no longer want to be perm'd (well, one of them, I also got "perm'd" once so I've had that curiosity and desire sated and now that I know the reality I don't really need to learn the lesson again), why I'm knot exclusive, why I play aroond with so many people who like doing so many different things. There are too many fun things to do and I don't want to become stuck doing the same thing over and over for the rest of my life. I started to become worried that this was all he ever wanted from me, that the possibility of ownership as a bondage slave girl was closing on me and the only thing he wanted was to make me a doll. When I managed to bring it up (which was considerably difficult, owing knot only to my genuine fear but also how flustered and out of my element I was), he described it as the ultimate form of bondage, the logical conclusion of the process. He's technically wrong there, because a petrified girl still retains her form, and you can go further than that by turning them completely into an object, making transformation the ultimate form, but he wasn't far off, so you do kinda have to give him that. But then I asked if that was all he ever wanted, and he still enjoyed "lesser forms" "sometimes." And that hurt to hear, because then it was like... he doesn't want me, he just wants someone he can turn into a statue. I will say that, since then, this fear has been thoroughly debunked, and I know for a fact he wants me (oh he wants me bad), but that did scare me.

Which brings us to want. One of the most infuriating things I have to deal with as a more or less perpetually sad person is the attempt of well meaning but ultimately clueless (and frankly kind of harmful) people is their inability to understand that sad people don't want empty niceties. I've called it "Oprah magazine shit" because that's what it sounds like. It gets better, I won't throw you away, just look on the bright side, kinda nonsense. People who don't or can't understand the source of a person's distress can't offer anything helpful, and often times people are lazy and don't really care, so instead of seeking to understand the problem and offer any kind of sincere help, it usually devolves into white lies and meaningless motivational buzzwords. And as someone who has never really had the experience of being genuinely wanted before, that's something I've heard a lot of. "But I want you." A lot of people have told me that lie. Good people, people I love and trust and know they have good intentions, but in those moments where I come to them aboot my loneliness, they will still repeat this lie. If you give them the benefit of the doubt, sure, you can say "want" is a bit of an ambiguous word. But you have to remember that the context of these conversations is me, an insatiably kinky bondagette actively discussing the lack of an owner and specifically saying that no one touches me, talking to my circle of friends, who share a similar set of convictions, with whom I talk aboot these kinds of things all the time. And you've seen how verbose I am, I never fucking shut up. Do you think that when I vent aboot my feelings of loneliness to people I feel safe talking aboot my emotions with that it's even possible for me to knot describe those feelings in intimate detail? Because I can tell you from my experience of being the person doing that that I cannot. So no, they don't want me, and if you're reading this and you're one of those friends, could ya' please stop telling me that? It really doesn't help me at all, it just makes me feel more frustrated and lonely. Not that... I'll ever really need to vent to you aboot it again, because... well... because he wants me.

What I was initially going to put right here was this scenario: we were up in the castle and Master started stripping my clothes off, leaving me in nothing but a pair of white lace panties and high heels. This was humiliating so I quickly covered my tits out of embarrassment. Master responded to this by tying my hands behind my back in a box tie so that I couldn't cover myself, then put a spreader bar between my legs and forced me onto the ground. I couldn't move, I was naked and helpless, my boobs out there for Master to see with my hands tied behind me preventing me from any attempt at being modest, forcing me on display as his captive. It was hot and all that, which is why I'm relishing describing it like this. But here's the thing that made me cry, I could still talk so I begged him to untie me, and I said if he did I promised to behave and knot cover myself anymore. Then he said this:

[15:54] Shadow Eternal (shadowking135): i have what i want

He meant meeeeee. He didn't just mean me as a person, as a friend to hang out with, either, in that context it was perfectly clear he had a desire for me. He wanted my body, he wanted control over what was on it, he wanted to see it, he wanted it strapped and trussed to his specifications. He wanted the same thing I do when I play with my guests and visitors and pets. There was - for once - no doubt in my mind that I had become that bound, helpless, exposed captive girl, I was the prize, he wanted me, he wanted to have me in exactly the same way I lusted after all the girls I've captured. Finally, just this once, something got through my trauma barrier and struck me right in the heart. I actually felt like I was being genuinely enjoyed, knot just for the important reasons, but the selfish ones too, I was his captive girl, he wanted me stuck where he wanted me and I was, he wanted my body, my voice, my... everything. I stopped being merely a good friend that was fun to hang out with, I had become physically attractive to someone, my freedom become something that brought someone else joy to take from me. It was like all those other times, but... backwards. This wasn't pity and there was no way even my brain could to the requisite mental gymnastics to convince myself otherwise.

Since then, because it has taken me a while to write this, I have only become more convinced of this, to the pointe now that it has become a fact that I've accepted and become comfortable with. It still makes me feel like a giddy schoolgirl, but I've moved on from the initial shock and derealization and it was just become a part of my reality now. Finally I'm knot just tolerated, knot simply "fun to have aroond," but am actively loved and desired, knot just some goof staring at my deviant art gallery, but a real person that knows me and still wants to keep me. Granted, he hasn't known me for very long yet, so there's plenty of time for this all to fall apart, but for the moment, I have at least gotten to have the experience of feeling like I'm actually valuable. I got to feel pretty. Only took me 35 fucking years, but... y'know, better late than never I guess.

Another consequence of the amount of time that's passed between now and then is that my outline has changed some. The rest of it goes "patriarchy, suffocation, fumbling newness, predictions." I don't remember what my predictions were because some things have shifted aroond since day 1, so I'm gonna leave that out since it's no longer relevant. And the patriarchy thing I was going to go into more depth of what specifically aboot that kind of thing I enjoyed (he got on this kick aboot calling me stupid over and over and ignoring me, which is my second biggest fear, so he, like... he "gets it" but he needs to be pushed in the right direction a little bit), so that needs to be saved for later cuz this is already long enough and I'm tired so I want to wrap up here.

Which leaves us with "suffocation" and "fumbling newness." By suffocation I do knot mean, unfortunately, the fun kind, knot breathplay, but the feeling of being pushed on hard and knot having the room to breathe. Now I want to be careful aboot how I say this because I have to remember here that I am the girl here, and as I've alluded to... we've developed mutual feelings for each other. If I put myself in his place, having this pretty princess delivered to him that he can just have, that seems to have fallen under my spell so completely, in an almost too good to be true situation, but be in this situation where I basically stole all that compliance out of her for reasons, very normal reasons I assure you, then that makes any push back all the more alarming, right? Like, a girl is delivered to your front door specifically because she wants a Master, you say a few things and she buckles and it's a done deal. She's pretty, sexy, smart, funny, and is totally smitten with you, and because she's an insatiably kinky submissive slave girl you can have anything you want with her. But then she says "um... hold on, can we stop?" Any ordinary D/s scene where the stakes and chemistry are less intense, you just go "sure, what's wrong, what do you need?" But when you get into these sorts of stronger emotions the idea that you've done something wrong has higher stakes even in vanilla relationships, so when a girl who's completely submissive and obedient speaks up, sure that's even scarier? I also, just... I've dated a lot of girls before, and I know how scary it can be when you see them start to feel uncomfortable with how you're behaving, so... y'know... I don't want to cause any distress here as "the girl," but this does need to be said.

Basically, the speed and intensity with which our courtship, as it were, has gone, is alarming to me, but only because it's in a relationship where I'm the sub. That's never happened to me and my brain doesn't know how to process all this because it's knew. I have once had a situation where I was romantically swept off my feet in a non-D/s capacity (although she was a kinkster), but thaaaaat person emotionally manipulated and abused me by using my trauma to alter my behavior to her specifications under threat of leaving me. Which is, by the way, the basis of the reason I'm afraid to go to Poppy's. Additionally, there's clearly a mutual infatuation happening here, and we've spent one night up together until the sun came up over in his part of the world just flirting and playing and talking and being silly, like I was back in high school staying up on the phone all night. It makes me happy, it's a good thing, and I want to be there and enjoy that time with him. But it's still... kind of a lot. And purrhaps if it wasn't May 3rd, 6 days before the start of the 10th Deathiversary, and if I didn't have severe ptsd, maybe I would just lose myself in him and be able to enjoy that without any fear or need to detach. But I do need to be able to detach, and calm down, and center myself again so that I can keep my head on my shoulders and knot do anything stupid or endanger myself or get more attached than I have to.

So, I don't want to say "I need space," because I really don't need very much, and I don't want to sound scary or make him feel like he needs to overcorrect just to give me a little room to breathe, but I... do need a little room to breathe. I have a lot of stuff to process and we have a lot of grown up stuff to do, like negotiating and continuing to get to know each other better. Crucially, without him constantly teasing me and putting me back in my place as a subby bondage slave toy every other sentence when I'm trying to be a person again. I can't be a person when you do that to me! You know this! You know what it does to me when you talk to me that way! You've heard the sounds I make! *ahem* Anwyas, I guess what I'm saying is, I can't really spend all day every day being kept on a short leash. But come May 18th (am I doing a gino day this year? I don't think I am... I didn't plan on it... but 2021 was the last year I did one, so... maybe? Although I guess I could save it for next year since the gino 2 4 is coming out sometime then...) or w/e, all bets are off, and he can just have me for as long as he wants, circadian rhythm permitting. But just... provisionally, for now, I feel just the teensy bit overwhelmed and suffocated.

I think I sounded reasonable enough but I'll be honest every time I try to think aboot how I sounded I still get a little scared I came off as scary or like I'm trying to push him away or like "I was secretly a strong female character with agency who demands respect the whole time!" kinda thing. Well, whatever, I don't have to figure that out now.

The last thing I had wanted to spend a little time on was "fumbling newness," which I thought was a cute way to describe the juxtaposition between the extremely strong chemistry between us as everything clicks into place with our mutual enthusiasm to being fully committed to pursuing this relationship, with the little things here and there that we mess up or push too far in the wrong direction because despite how much of a perfect fairy tale things seem to be, we are still after all fallible ordinary people. I'm getting more and more tired and don't want to wrack my brain for a bunch of examples at this pointe, because I want to finish this before I get more sleep (I've been soooo tired lately, just so much stuff happening I need to rest up from recently), so instead I'll just pointe out this thing that happened the other day:

Once he got ahold of the part where I liked when men tell me to shut up, he latched onto it and wouldn't let go. To the pointe where I had to kinda bring up the fact that, y'know, as I've gotten older and more layers and ideas have been built up over the initial core of the babby Maly who just wanted to play tie up games, an emergent property of that is all of the domination and mental bondage kind of stuff. All of those other possible ways to trap/confine/restrain someone are all cool in their own ways, but down at the base of all that is the kid who kept breaking toy handcuffs and the goth teenager that kept breaking Hot Topic wallet chains. You can do all the other stuff all day but at some point if you're just never going to tie me up and gag me I'm eventually going to lose interest. He seemed to understand purrfectly, but then, he... he had me tied up naked in a box, and I was like in there for a while. And if you don't know, you can gag me without tying me up, but if you tie me up without gagging me, you're running out the clock on my patience. I understand that it can be a thing you work up to, I'm knot totally impatient, and I can be happy tied up and still be able to talk, it's knot the end of the world, sure. But you can't do that forever, you can't make a scene like that, and you can't utterly dominate me and shove me in a box with no clothes on in handcuffs and leg irons and expect me to be okay with not being gagged. There's a tempo to this stuff, and he knows how to take my reigns and control my heart with this stuff and make me make all of these weird noises, and he's knot technically incompetent either, he knows how kdc works for fuck's sake, he knows what he's doing. So it was extremely distressing to me when he reached a climax and then nothing happened, and I kinda vaguely suggested something was still missing and he just kind of ignored it. So I got more explicit... and he was just like "okay yeah I guess I could do that maybe if I felt like it I guess." And then... nothing. Eventually, after several minutes, with me at this pointe just straight up telling him "I don't understand why you're letting me talk," he eventually made his move by... telling me to shut up.

Full disclosure, there was rlv involved, I have a script in my OC that I wrote which makes it so that if someone tells me to shut up I will literally be muted. So it wasn't totally nothing, I really couldn't speak. But remember that this is just after I had gotten through telling him that sometimes I just need ropes and handcuffs and tape. I enjoy playing with all of the other forms of control too, but he had been exclusively controlling my voice with that script all day and I was sick of the foreplay and wanted the real thing. At first, I was kind of heartbroken. I felt like maybe I was wrong, maybe he didn't understand, maybe I had put too much faith in him and this was my first red flag. And the thing was I was literally muted on SL, so I couldn't brat, and although we were on a voice call in discord, if I started to brat there I was afraid he would interpret it as me wanting to be e-dommed, like, like I was trying to get him to tell me to put tape on my mouth and mmph on voice. So I had no idea what to do and just kinda locked up and froze for a second. Eventually I remembered who this guy was, and based on all our interactions so far, felt confident enough to speak up. And I'm glad I did because he turned it aroond pretty quickly. More than that, it made me feel more confident that I was able to be frank aboot what was scaring me, and he didn't react poorly to it. I think he may have been disappointed in himself or maybe felt dumb for knot realizing what I was expecting, but in the end it all worked out. And now I am, currently, naked except for 6" high heeled sandals and a rope harness, shackled, ball gagged, and blindfolded with locks only he has the key to, and locked in a box in his house. I'm just a...

...weeeellll, if you've come this far I'm sure you can guess what being in that situation would make me feel and why it makes me feel that way. My pointe is, we've still only known each other a few days despite the level we're at emotionally, and that sort of thing is just always going to be scary. But all things considered, I feel comfortable, I feel wanted, I feel owned, I feel like any rough spots we can easily smooth out, and I'm sure that things will work out.

Anwyas, I'm gonna go for now. Go where? Nowhere. Cuz I'm being kept.

93/93,
Princess Maly 🌹